The Trunk
Dublin Core
Title
The Trunk
Creator
M. and W. W.
Source
http://addison.vt.edu/record=b1775388~S1
Publisher
Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University
Date
May 1877
Contributor
Peter Royal, Abbey Williams
Rights
Permission to publish images from The Gray Jacket must be obtained from Special Collections, Virginia Tech.
Format
Text
Language
English
Type
essay
Identifier
LD5655.V8 L4, ser.1, v.2, no.7 (May 1877), p.6-8
Text Item Type Metadata
Text
EDITORS GRAY JACKET, GENTLEMEN: As essays are now the order of the day, and as you seem to be behind the time in this particular, I thought I would write you one on the "Trunk."
Had I the reputation of "Moziz Addums" I would try to say something funny, and dress it up in witty spelling. But, alas! for me! I have never won an Unabridged Webster at a spelling match, I have never delivered lectures on fools, and I have too much respect for my friends and myself to do that. Nor do I possess twins, for I am a batchelor [sic] and 'tis said to be a very rare occurrence, in short, a mysterious and dangerous accident for single persons to become possessed of any kind of twin furniture, save twin gloves, twin shoes, twin handkerchiefs, twin pantaloons' legs, and such like articles of clothing too numerous and mysterious to mention.
Taking the above facts into account I shall endeavor to give you, by the help of Webster, abridged, and the Griffith Bros., the plain every day style as to spelling and composition. Having said this much too much as a preface, I come to the subject.
Before me is the, from its earthy appearance, fossil remains of a trunk. According to Mr. Webster, trunk may mean the stem of a tree; the body of an animal; the proboscis of an elephant; a long tube or a box covered with skin or leather used to contain clothing. The stem of a tree approaches a circle in form: our specimen, though possessing several curves, departs far from the circle; therefore it is not the stem of a tree.
It is not the proboscis of an elephant, or, as we sometimes have it, an elephant's trunk; because it is my brother John's trunk, and two individuals cannot rightly claim the same property except they be partners.
I don't believe in but one kind of of partnership and that is between one man and one woman, wherein they both and each agree to disagree; that is, they don't pull together like Branson's two yellow horses, but like Cary's two spotted mules at a halter reign [sic] trying to see which can break loose first. To return to my argument I should have said that my brother John had only one partner and that partner is not an elephant as I can clearly show. First, he has a red head and a freckled face, which is not at all characteristic of the elephant. Second, the elephant is easily tamed. This partner's mother, when he was a boy, whipped him every day and Sunday too, if his account may be credited, and he never said leave a single time. The Yankees shot him through at Five Forks; they took him, sick and wounded, to a Northern prison, guarded him with colored troops, and allowed not his friends to see him, yet he never "flickered" once, but is to-day the same untamed rebel. So you see that our specimen is not an elephant's trunk. It is not a long tube unless you make the contents constitute the trunk. Now there are only two meanings left, first, the body of an animal, and, second, a box covered with leather used to contain clothing. I shall now endeavor to show that both of these meanings apply to the specimen in hand or to its class of trunks generally. That the last definition applies there can be no doubt as our specimen cantains that which is used to cover the human body, or clothing so-called. If I can now show that the trunk belongs to the animal kingdom, my proposition is proved. All known substances belong to one of the three kingdoms: mineral, vegetable or animal. This specimen though earthy in appearance, bound with iron, tipped with brass, and containing a small amount of the precious metal, cannot be rightly called a mineral metal; as it has both vegetable and animal matter in its organization. By a similar course of reasoning it may be shown that it does not belong to the vegetable kingdom. We might stop here and say that as the trunk does not belong to either of the first two kingdoms, then it must belong to the third; but we can show in addition to this negative argument that the trunk is, beyond doubt, of the animal kingdom. First, it has a hide, and nothing but an animal can have a hide. Second, it is capable of action and often of voluntary action. Trunks voluntarily go past the railway station checked for, and give their owners no end of trouble. They jump from the top of a baggage truck or wagon, and voluntarily burst all to pieces in front of our sweetheart's window, and reveal all of our seatless pants, toeless socks, worn out coats, sham bosoms, mustache dye, and many other articles too numerous and inconvenient to mention. If we visit a lady friend too often our trunk voluntarily takes a notion to pay her a visit also, and we are not surprised to have said trunk, out of breath, with mouth wide open, and the remains of its last meal protruding therefrom, followed by a host of inquisitive urchins, meet us at the door as we bid our Mary Ann a sweet farewell.
Every trunk has its religion, some never let it out at all, while some are epistles known and read of all men, letting their light shine before the world as a city set on a hill. Of all the families belonging to the animal kingdom, only the human family possess religion, therefore, the trunk must belong to the human family. If the trunk belongs to the human family it must be either male or female. This is certainly the case, there are male and female trunks, but none of the neuter gender, unless we were to call the old batchelor's [sic] trunk neuter, and this would be an insult to this martyr to celibacy.
Having established the fact that the trunk is of the animal kingdom, and that it belongs to the human family, I shall try to tell of its nature and habits as male or female. Of the female trunk and its contents little is known by your writer, as it is a tabooed class to him. I have, however, noticed by careful examination, at a distance, that they differ in many respects from the male trunk. Strange to say, they are larger and more numerous than the males. There is the Saratoga trunk as large and containing as many apartments as a house, "depending somewhat upon the size of the house," with bonnet box, hat box, and carpet-bag all attached. The contents of the male and female trunk differ as widely as plug tobacco and hair pins, or as pantaloons and hoop skirts. After a careful examination of store windows and cloths [sic] lines I have decided that the female trunk contains, upon an average, about double as many garments as the male. Some of them being very much alike, but having certain fixed variations easily perceived. The shoes in the female are much like those contained in the male, only they are higher in the heel and quarter, being more stilt-like in appearance. The socks are generally though not always smaller in the foot, seldom have holes in the heels, and are not proportioned exactly as the male, as they require for their manufacture about twice as much yarn.
The female trunk contains no pantaloons, nor any article at all resembling this plural article. It does, however, contain an article or articles much resembling balloons, but this article is of the singular number, and much more roomy than one leg of a pair of pantaloons. The female contains two kinds of head gear, the hat and the bonnet, while the male trunk contains only one, the hat. These articles differ more, perhaps, than any others usually found in the trunk. They take after the nature of the wearer to a great extent. That contained in the male trunk is quite substantial and useful, while that found in the female is very etherial [sic], imaginary and fanciful.
I would go farther into the mysteries of the trunk, but fear that if I undertake to describe and give the meaning, the user and abuser of the steel wire, the human hair, horse hair, Japanese switches, cotton, wool, cloth, braids, powdered chalk, red chalk, and the many other unknown and wonderful articles therein contained, I will find myself totally unequal to the task. I, therefore, leave the further discussion of this trunk to some member of the female portion of the human family, and pass on to the male.
Instead of giving a long dissertation on the male trunk, I shall just give an illustration to the point.
SOMETHING ABOUT A MALE TRUNK AND ITS OWNER.
As the novel makers say when they begin a yarn, our scene is laid in an eastern county of Virginia, a county noted for watermelons, sweet potatoes, and vegetables generally. A fond mother is bending over the already well filled trunk of her fair-haired son, who starts in the morning for the Va. A. and M. College. She has just packed snugly in one end of said trunk two jars; one containing sweetmeats made of melon rind, nicely carved by her daughter, and the other pickle, none of your sour mountain seed cucumber pickle, but real Eastern Virginia pickle.
As she fixes the last jar firmly in its place, she places over the two an old text book, used by her husband at William and Mary, remarks, with great satisfaction : "There, son, just be a little particular until you get to the depot and these goodies will be all right, when you arrive at Blacksburg ; for you know the cars go mighty easy and the baggage hands are very careful. You had better watch them at Burkeville, however, as they might accidently tilt your trunk and spill some of the vinegar on your new cloths [sic]."
This is said to her devoted boy who stands near looking on, while his countenance beams with the satisfaction of realized hope. As his mother completes this little act of kindness his countenance grows brighter and his whole face becomes a picture of mingled determination and pleasure—"At the sweetmeats," you say, no, reader, there you are mistaken. That old text-book has awakened all the ambition of his youthful nature. It had been the desire of his life to follow in his father's footsteps and become an educated man. But alas! in his chilhood [sic] his father's riches had taken to themselves legs and walked away to the Yankee lines, and in place of cultivating his mind he was compelled, as soon as he could reach the plow handles, to cultivate the soil in order that the family might have bread. Still, whether following the plow, or seated upon the front of his covered cart, (he carrkd melons to market), he never ceased to hope. Therefore when the Legislature breathed into existence the Va. A. and M. College, he with renewed zeal and faith determined to attend that institution. His determination was first revealed to his sister and then to his mother. These friends, woman-like, encouraged and strengthened him in his desires, and his mother, finally, revealed the matter to his father, who, after some doubts and fears was enlisted in the cause, and the matter settled in favor of the son.
While I am wandering from the subject, the trunk is being rapidly filled. The till is put in place and collars, neckties, tooth and hair brushes, find themselves snugly tucked away. Not a thing forgotten, a new Bible with, "To Sam, from his Mother," written on the fly leaf, and containing not money, that old story is too thin, but a book mark having on it an appropriate motto worked by the sister.
Morning arrives and the father makes his appearance with a vehicle to take Sam to the depot. That indispensible trunk crammed ready to burst, puts in its appearance, and father, knowing that the hings[sic] are not so strong as they were ten years ago, after considerable remonstrance from Sam wraps it securely in a pair of plow lines. All things are now ready, but here comes old Aunt Diana to bid "Mars Sam" good-bye. After giving him a hearty handshaking and telling him to be a good boy and come home mighty smart with head larning [sic]; she puts into his hand a small bundle saying in an undertone as she does so, "Here chile, take this little present from Old Dina, an if you gits hungry before night just open it an see if you can't eat some more of Dina's cooking. Good-bye, and God Almighty bless you, honey."
Good-bye is said all around, and soon the depot reached, trunk "carefully put on baggage coach and Sam in the passenger car is slowly getting into Burkeville, at which place he arrives just about time for dinner. His first thoughts are about his baggage. Soon he sees his trunk, tumbling, rolling and bumping, end over end, strike the platform. Already home-sick and lonely, every thump goes to his heart. Pants and vinegar, vest and sweetmeats, ink and handkerchiefs mingled in his thoughts in one worthless though costly mass. With a choking sensation and a heavy heart he drags his trunk, his much abused friend, from the mass of bruised and wounded, and seating himself thereon, soon finds that, in spite of himself, the tears are stealing over his cheeks.
In this state of mind he was addressed by a sable vender of fried chicken as follows: "Young Master, won't you have some nice fresh fried chicken to-day?" Seeing that her customer was somewhat blue, she changes her tactics to suit. "Going away to school, aint you, young master? Done left Ma and Pa and going away up to Blacksburg, by yourself. Here take dis snack, I know you is hungry, take it chile." Thinking of good Diana who had been, in time of need, a faithful and true friend, he could not find it in his heart to hurt the feelings of his new found friend by refusing her chicken so "nicely" fried in butter, and so he accepted it and tried to eat while she entertained him somewhat as follows: "You is just like my young master that was killed in the war—got eyes and hair just like him. Poor fellow, misses was mighty sorry to part with him, and well she mought be for he never come back any more. You gwine to find that Blacksburg a hard place, I speck. Dey tells me that the boys have to eat corn bread, sour butter milk, and tough beef steak all the time. Dey come by here sometimes mighty hungry, I know dat, and eats up everything we poor nigers got." Thus she continues to entertain him until the western bound train comes snorting into the depot. His great concern now is to get his trunk on board. This delicate feat having been performed about as "carefully" as usual, he is about to jump on himself when our chicken merchant reminds him that he owes her a quarter for the snack. He remonstrates with chocking and tears; thought she had given him the snack. All remonstrance failing, he pays her for what he has not been able to eat, and is again aboard.
Our chicken merchant now gathers up what remains of that old goose neck to be used in future as the foundation for a chicken leg, and expresses herself thus: "Wonder where dat thing did come from any way. Some poor white trash I knew by dat white head. Better be at home weeding taters. He look like gwine to de Cultrick and Mechanral school!
Sam having gotten aboard all right, the smooth rail, swift motion of train, the coll [sic] breeze and Diana's snack, now remembered and opened, all tending to revive and refresh, soon brought him to himself again, and ere night had obscured the blue capped mountain he was as cheerful as is possible for a rat to be under such circumstances.
Trunk and Sam arrived safe at Blacksburg. Upon comparing notes it was found that the trunk contained a mass of broken glass, sweetmeats, pickle, clothes, and ink all mingled in perfect confusion. A grave Senior being called upon to give a diagnosis of the cases of Sam and trunk, pronounced each afflicted with a severe case of mortification.
Now, reader, if my argument is falacious [sic], and my essay too thin, just write a real essay yourself and send it to the GRAY JACKET. If you had rather criticise, write a good criticism and send that to the GRAY JACKET, and oblige,
Had I the reputation of "Moziz Addums" I would try to say something funny, and dress it up in witty spelling. But, alas! for me! I have never won an Unabridged Webster at a spelling match, I have never delivered lectures on fools, and I have too much respect for my friends and myself to do that. Nor do I possess twins, for I am a batchelor [sic] and 'tis said to be a very rare occurrence, in short, a mysterious and dangerous accident for single persons to become possessed of any kind of twin furniture, save twin gloves, twin shoes, twin handkerchiefs, twin pantaloons' legs, and such like articles of clothing too numerous and mysterious to mention.
Taking the above facts into account I shall endeavor to give you, by the help of Webster, abridged, and the Griffith Bros., the plain every day style as to spelling and composition. Having said this much too much as a preface, I come to the subject.
Before me is the, from its earthy appearance, fossil remains of a trunk. According to Mr. Webster, trunk may mean the stem of a tree; the body of an animal; the proboscis of an elephant; a long tube or a box covered with skin or leather used to contain clothing. The stem of a tree approaches a circle in form: our specimen, though possessing several curves, departs far from the circle; therefore it is not the stem of a tree.
It is not the proboscis of an elephant, or, as we sometimes have it, an elephant's trunk; because it is my brother John's trunk, and two individuals cannot rightly claim the same property except they be partners.
I don't believe in but one kind of of partnership and that is between one man and one woman, wherein they both and each agree to disagree; that is, they don't pull together like Branson's two yellow horses, but like Cary's two spotted mules at a halter reign [sic] trying to see which can break loose first. To return to my argument I should have said that my brother John had only one partner and that partner is not an elephant as I can clearly show. First, he has a red head and a freckled face, which is not at all characteristic of the elephant. Second, the elephant is easily tamed. This partner's mother, when he was a boy, whipped him every day and Sunday too, if his account may be credited, and he never said leave a single time. The Yankees shot him through at Five Forks; they took him, sick and wounded, to a Northern prison, guarded him with colored troops, and allowed not his friends to see him, yet he never "flickered" once, but is to-day the same untamed rebel. So you see that our specimen is not an elephant's trunk. It is not a long tube unless you make the contents constitute the trunk. Now there are only two meanings left, first, the body of an animal, and, second, a box covered with leather used to contain clothing. I shall now endeavor to show that both of these meanings apply to the specimen in hand or to its class of trunks generally. That the last definition applies there can be no doubt as our specimen cantains that which is used to cover the human body, or clothing so-called. If I can now show that the trunk belongs to the animal kingdom, my proposition is proved. All known substances belong to one of the three kingdoms: mineral, vegetable or animal. This specimen though earthy in appearance, bound with iron, tipped with brass, and containing a small amount of the precious metal, cannot be rightly called a mineral metal; as it has both vegetable and animal matter in its organization. By a similar course of reasoning it may be shown that it does not belong to the vegetable kingdom. We might stop here and say that as the trunk does not belong to either of the first two kingdoms, then it must belong to the third; but we can show in addition to this negative argument that the trunk is, beyond doubt, of the animal kingdom. First, it has a hide, and nothing but an animal can have a hide. Second, it is capable of action and often of voluntary action. Trunks voluntarily go past the railway station checked for, and give their owners no end of trouble. They jump from the top of a baggage truck or wagon, and voluntarily burst all to pieces in front of our sweetheart's window, and reveal all of our seatless pants, toeless socks, worn out coats, sham bosoms, mustache dye, and many other articles too numerous and inconvenient to mention. If we visit a lady friend too often our trunk voluntarily takes a notion to pay her a visit also, and we are not surprised to have said trunk, out of breath, with mouth wide open, and the remains of its last meal protruding therefrom, followed by a host of inquisitive urchins, meet us at the door as we bid our Mary Ann a sweet farewell.
Every trunk has its religion, some never let it out at all, while some are epistles known and read of all men, letting their light shine before the world as a city set on a hill. Of all the families belonging to the animal kingdom, only the human family possess religion, therefore, the trunk must belong to the human family. If the trunk belongs to the human family it must be either male or female. This is certainly the case, there are male and female trunks, but none of the neuter gender, unless we were to call the old batchelor's [sic] trunk neuter, and this would be an insult to this martyr to celibacy.
Having established the fact that the trunk is of the animal kingdom, and that it belongs to the human family, I shall try to tell of its nature and habits as male or female. Of the female trunk and its contents little is known by your writer, as it is a tabooed class to him. I have, however, noticed by careful examination, at a distance, that they differ in many respects from the male trunk. Strange to say, they are larger and more numerous than the males. There is the Saratoga trunk as large and containing as many apartments as a house, "depending somewhat upon the size of the house," with bonnet box, hat box, and carpet-bag all attached. The contents of the male and female trunk differ as widely as plug tobacco and hair pins, or as pantaloons and hoop skirts. After a careful examination of store windows and cloths [sic] lines I have decided that the female trunk contains, upon an average, about double as many garments as the male. Some of them being very much alike, but having certain fixed variations easily perceived. The shoes in the female are much like those contained in the male, only they are higher in the heel and quarter, being more stilt-like in appearance. The socks are generally though not always smaller in the foot, seldom have holes in the heels, and are not proportioned exactly as the male, as they require for their manufacture about twice as much yarn.
The female trunk contains no pantaloons, nor any article at all resembling this plural article. It does, however, contain an article or articles much resembling balloons, but this article is of the singular number, and much more roomy than one leg of a pair of pantaloons. The female contains two kinds of head gear, the hat and the bonnet, while the male trunk contains only one, the hat. These articles differ more, perhaps, than any others usually found in the trunk. They take after the nature of the wearer to a great extent. That contained in the male trunk is quite substantial and useful, while that found in the female is very etherial [sic], imaginary and fanciful.
I would go farther into the mysteries of the trunk, but fear that if I undertake to describe and give the meaning, the user and abuser of the steel wire, the human hair, horse hair, Japanese switches, cotton, wool, cloth, braids, powdered chalk, red chalk, and the many other unknown and wonderful articles therein contained, I will find myself totally unequal to the task. I, therefore, leave the further discussion of this trunk to some member of the female portion of the human family, and pass on to the male.
Instead of giving a long dissertation on the male trunk, I shall just give an illustration to the point.
SOMETHING ABOUT A MALE TRUNK AND ITS OWNER.
As the novel makers say when they begin a yarn, our scene is laid in an eastern county of Virginia, a county noted for watermelons, sweet potatoes, and vegetables generally. A fond mother is bending over the already well filled trunk of her fair-haired son, who starts in the morning for the Va. A. and M. College. She has just packed snugly in one end of said trunk two jars; one containing sweetmeats made of melon rind, nicely carved by her daughter, and the other pickle, none of your sour mountain seed cucumber pickle, but real Eastern Virginia pickle.
As she fixes the last jar firmly in its place, she places over the two an old text book, used by her husband at William and Mary, remarks, with great satisfaction : "There, son, just be a little particular until you get to the depot and these goodies will be all right, when you arrive at Blacksburg ; for you know the cars go mighty easy and the baggage hands are very careful. You had better watch them at Burkeville, however, as they might accidently tilt your trunk and spill some of the vinegar on your new cloths [sic]."
This is said to her devoted boy who stands near looking on, while his countenance beams with the satisfaction of realized hope. As his mother completes this little act of kindness his countenance grows brighter and his whole face becomes a picture of mingled determination and pleasure—"At the sweetmeats," you say, no, reader, there you are mistaken. That old text-book has awakened all the ambition of his youthful nature. It had been the desire of his life to follow in his father's footsteps and become an educated man. But alas! in his chilhood [sic] his father's riches had taken to themselves legs and walked away to the Yankee lines, and in place of cultivating his mind he was compelled, as soon as he could reach the plow handles, to cultivate the soil in order that the family might have bread. Still, whether following the plow, or seated upon the front of his covered cart, (he carrkd melons to market), he never ceased to hope. Therefore when the Legislature breathed into existence the Va. A. and M. College, he with renewed zeal and faith determined to attend that institution. His determination was first revealed to his sister and then to his mother. These friends, woman-like, encouraged and strengthened him in his desires, and his mother, finally, revealed the matter to his father, who, after some doubts and fears was enlisted in the cause, and the matter settled in favor of the son.
While I am wandering from the subject, the trunk is being rapidly filled. The till is put in place and collars, neckties, tooth and hair brushes, find themselves snugly tucked away. Not a thing forgotten, a new Bible with, "To Sam, from his Mother," written on the fly leaf, and containing not money, that old story is too thin, but a book mark having on it an appropriate motto worked by the sister.
Morning arrives and the father makes his appearance with a vehicle to take Sam to the depot. That indispensible trunk crammed ready to burst, puts in its appearance, and father, knowing that the hings[sic] are not so strong as they were ten years ago, after considerable remonstrance from Sam wraps it securely in a pair of plow lines. All things are now ready, but here comes old Aunt Diana to bid "Mars Sam" good-bye. After giving him a hearty handshaking and telling him to be a good boy and come home mighty smart with head larning [sic]; she puts into his hand a small bundle saying in an undertone as she does so, "Here chile, take this little present from Old Dina, an if you gits hungry before night just open it an see if you can't eat some more of Dina's cooking. Good-bye, and God Almighty bless you, honey."
Good-bye is said all around, and soon the depot reached, trunk "carefully put on baggage coach and Sam in the passenger car is slowly getting into Burkeville, at which place he arrives just about time for dinner. His first thoughts are about his baggage. Soon he sees his trunk, tumbling, rolling and bumping, end over end, strike the platform. Already home-sick and lonely, every thump goes to his heart. Pants and vinegar, vest and sweetmeats, ink and handkerchiefs mingled in his thoughts in one worthless though costly mass. With a choking sensation and a heavy heart he drags his trunk, his much abused friend, from the mass of bruised and wounded, and seating himself thereon, soon finds that, in spite of himself, the tears are stealing over his cheeks.
In this state of mind he was addressed by a sable vender of fried chicken as follows: "Young Master, won't you have some nice fresh fried chicken to-day?" Seeing that her customer was somewhat blue, she changes her tactics to suit. "Going away to school, aint you, young master? Done left Ma and Pa and going away up to Blacksburg, by yourself. Here take dis snack, I know you is hungry, take it chile." Thinking of good Diana who had been, in time of need, a faithful and true friend, he could not find it in his heart to hurt the feelings of his new found friend by refusing her chicken so "nicely" fried in butter, and so he accepted it and tried to eat while she entertained him somewhat as follows: "You is just like my young master that was killed in the war—got eyes and hair just like him. Poor fellow, misses was mighty sorry to part with him, and well she mought be for he never come back any more. You gwine to find that Blacksburg a hard place, I speck. Dey tells me that the boys have to eat corn bread, sour butter milk, and tough beef steak all the time. Dey come by here sometimes mighty hungry, I know dat, and eats up everything we poor nigers got." Thus she continues to entertain him until the western bound train comes snorting into the depot. His great concern now is to get his trunk on board. This delicate feat having been performed about as "carefully" as usual, he is about to jump on himself when our chicken merchant reminds him that he owes her a quarter for the snack. He remonstrates with chocking and tears; thought she had given him the snack. All remonstrance failing, he pays her for what he has not been able to eat, and is again aboard.
Our chicken merchant now gathers up what remains of that old goose neck to be used in future as the foundation for a chicken leg, and expresses herself thus: "Wonder where dat thing did come from any way. Some poor white trash I knew by dat white head. Better be at home weeding taters. He look like gwine to de Cultrick and Mechanral school!
Sam having gotten aboard all right, the smooth rail, swift motion of train, the coll [sic] breeze and Diana's snack, now remembered and opened, all tending to revive and refresh, soon brought him to himself again, and ere night had obscured the blue capped mountain he was as cheerful as is possible for a rat to be under such circumstances.
Trunk and Sam arrived safe at Blacksburg. Upon comparing notes it was found that the trunk contained a mass of broken glass, sweetmeats, pickle, clothes, and ink all mingled in perfect confusion. A grave Senior being called upon to give a diagnosis of the cases of Sam and trunk, pronounced each afflicted with a severe case of mortification.
Now, reader, if my argument is falacious [sic], and my essay too thin, just write a real essay yourself and send it to the GRAY JACKET. If you had rather criticise, write a good criticism and send that to the GRAY JACKET, and oblige,